3rd year of teaching/living in Caracas

I’ve been avoiding making this post because my brain is a mess of thoughts right now and I haven’t wanted to sort it all out. But the time has come and it’s been too long since I’ve posted here. 

This was my most difficult year of teaching and in Caracas. I’d always heard 3rd year was supposed to be easier: you have developed your style, you know your content well, and you know what’s most important. And these things have come together for me, and yet this year remains the most stressful. As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, they changed my schedule this year and I went from balancing 4 classes per semester, to all 7 classes all year long with daily changes in which classes I taught. Trying to keep track of this was a mental challenge and one that I have not yet conquered. I think my brain has been permanently addled from all the information I was trying to juggle and I haven’t yet recovered. The only way I can explain it well is that from 7 am - 4 pm Monday through Friday my brain felt like a magic 8 ball being shaken where the answer that came up never applied to the question I asked. And while I would consider myself a hard worker and fairly intelligent person, I have never felt more stupid. 

I spent most of this year in tears at why I couldn’t get it together and frustrated with myself for not meeting my high expectations. I continually made mistakes in front of my students and fellow teachers, mixing my content, forgetting to print tests, writing down homework wrong, or feeling like I couldn’t take on responsibility outside of those 7 classes. My students suffered from it and I really don’t know how well they learned from me this year. 

There were several reasons why this new load and brain overload upset me:
1) I felt like it wasn’t fair to my students to be getting a me at 60% and scatterbrained. Why should they pay the price for my inability to manage these classes?
2) My involvement in ministry also paid the price. While I didn’t minimize the amount of ministries I was involved in, I didn’t do them well. They were scattered and half-hearted and I didn’t accomplish the goals that I had set for them.
3) It has affected my marriage. I come home to Rafa exhausted and the thought of dinner, cleaning, and good conversation often brought me to tears. I feel guilty for the number of times I sinned against Rafa and he bore the brunt of my frustration at school. I prioritized school and my ministry there above my role as a wife and really struggled at managing them both. 

So that’s the bad and I think part of the reason I dreaded writing this post is because I haven’t resolved this yet. I know where I need to go: to my knees, in humility before the Lord and there are days when God’s grace abounds in my life. But there have also been frequent days when my pride has gotten in the way, when my discontent has soured life, and when I desired fairness above holiness. And I continue to struggle with that daily even though classes have now ended. 

So where’s the good in all this and how can you be praying?

Let me take some time to focus on the gospel-centered parts of this year that brought me joy in the difficult times. 

-I began a bible study during lunch for 7th-8th grade girls with another staff member. We began by talking about characteristics of a believer and what a daily walk with the Lord looks like. However, we soon realized they needed to talk about the gospel. We spent the remaining weeks focused in Romans 6-7 and James about what it means to be a slave to sin, to be dead in our sins, and to receive God’s grace. I pray that the truths of God’s Word penetrated their hearts and that will seek to serve Him out of a love for Him rather than a list of rules and habits. This study is one I’d like to continue next year. 

-I have been mentoring a now 11th grade student for the last 3 years named Michelle. She is an MK and PK born in Kentucky with Korean parents. This year in mentoring, we focused on studying the gospel. While we didn’t meet our goals for this year and struggled to meet consistently, I trust that God will continue the work He has begun in her. Please be praying that she would understand the simplicity of the gospel message and be willing to submit to God’s authority in her life.

-After saying no to women’s bible study first semester due to so many other commitments, I started attending second semester and was so incredibly blessed by my time there. It reoriented my heart and showed me that I had been trying to balance everything on my own and had not been nurturing my relationship with Christ. We did a study on idols of the heart and some real sin was revealed in me that I am now working on. At the end of the year, we did a study from Andy Stanley listening to his “Follow” series and discussing what it means to follow Christ and why He is worthy of our lives. I left that study tasting a new sweetness of the gospel and delighting in the intimacy of Christ’s relationship with me. 

-English club only has a faithful few who continue to attend. The University has been in the midst of some intense strikes for the last few months and many students have not had class. Oderyx and I are going to meet to see how we can improve this next year and if the strikes continue, how we should respond. 

-I said goodbye to a dear friend Natalie this last week. She has served for 4 years at ICS and is now leaving. We had a really good tearful conversation where I was able to let her know how important her friendship was to me. I’m thankful for the ways in which she has challenged me to love Christ more in these last 3 years. 

I have been humbled in so many ways this year and my relationships with Christ is deeper than ever. However, it has been a hard year and I still feel the weight of that as we begin vacations. 

I’ll keep posting as there is so much more to say about this year and the future.